If my mom were still earthbound, we would be celebrating her 95th birthday today. The fact that she’s always on my mind isn’t shocking news to anyone, since references to her find their way into most of my comments and conversations, but this week I’ve been home, feeling a bit under the weather, and perhaps it’s the extra time or the quiet house, but she’s been on my mind even more than usual. I spent a couple of nights sitting/sleeping in the family room rocking chair to try to stop the congestion from puddling in my cranium, and in the darkened room I remembered the many nights I found Mom sleeping the same way. I’d lie down on the sofa beside her chair and we’d whisper for a while as she slowly rocked back and forth, the thrim-thrum-thrim-thrum sounding out through the night like the steady heartbeat of our home.
In my own dark night, I think about what I would like to whisper to her if I could. The stories I would tell her of my children. Of my grandchildren. I think of the questions I would ask her. I wonder at the advice she would give. At the funny and interesting things she would choose to share with me. And before the sunrise seeps into the room, I’m left, not with regret or longing for what I did not get, but with a feeling that she knows. About me. About us. Her family. We’ve missed having her here for 25 years--for too much of our lives, we’ve missed her. But somehow, she’s still part of us, part of what happens, part of what has carried on and what will continue to carry on.
I feel this deep well of memories residing in me, like she dug a hole in my soul and poured them all in for safekeeping - for when I would need her. She was only 69 when she passed away. How did she know she would need to leave the well behind? How did she become so wise? She would’ve scoffed at such questions and pointed out her ordinariness, but she was wise, and I will be forever grateful for her wisdom and for her well of memories, and that, my friends, is what I will whisper into the quiet across the family room to her next.
Happy 95th Birthday, Mom. I love you!!!
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