Day 191
- JanaLee Cox Longhurst
- Jul 10, 2018
- 3 min read
Updated: Jul 20, 2018
Today is National Pina Colada Day -- the drink, not the song we all start singing when we hear the words pina colada.
My mother was very selective when it came to music. She loved the big band stuff that was popular when she and Dad were newlyweds. She loved the MoTab. She loved a good John Philips Sousa march, but she was also amazingly tolerant of the music my older siblings and I played around the house. There were only a few times she asked me to turn down American Bandstand or the American Top 40 with Casey Kasem, but once in a while there would be a song that made her eyes roll.
Rupert Holme's 1979 top-40 hit, Escape (the Pina Colada Song) was one of those eye-rolling songs. I think it was because it was so fun to sing along to, that I would keep singing along, for hours, until my poor mother couldn't handle another refrain.
Have you ever actually considered the lyrics? No wonder my mother had a problem with her 14-year-old daughter singing these words. This song has toxic relationship written all over it.
Why would I say so? Here are 5 eye-rolling relationship warnings we can glean from this story set to song . . .
WARNING ONE: DISREPECTING YOUR S.O.
The narrator, a man, calls his significant other his "old lady." Relationships never last when one party calls the other party "old". This is a gross way of referring to your partner, unless she is actually a senior citizen, and then . . . it's STILL gross.
WARNING TWO: READING PERSONAL ADS
This man is checking out the personal ads, 1979's equivalent to Craig's List or Tinder, looking for a "new lovely lady" while his "old lady" is next to him in bed. He admits he is tired of said "old lady" because they'd been together too long, like a worn-our recording. I have to wonder, could this behavior be the reason they had "fallen into the same old dull routine?" Because . . . gross.
WARNING THREE: WRITING PERSONAL ADS
It seems that the narrator isn't the only one who thinks their partner is old, worn out, and dull, because we find out in a later verse that his "old lady" is actually the person who posted the ad he is reading -- in bed next to her -- where she is publicly inviting any interested strangers who like drinking pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, disavowing yoga, embodying half a brain, and copulation on beaches, to run away with her. This is dangerous behavior, and she's got some serious problems of her own. I'm gonna stop saying "gross" after each example, because I know you're silently saying it for me.
WARNING FOUR: LIMITING YOUR HOBBIES TO ALCOHOL AND OUTDOOR SEX
He writes his own personal ad, attesting to his desire for two kinds of alcohol and his dislike of health food, and asks the stranger to meet him at a bar, at noon, to cut through all the red tape, which I assume means get straight to the previously-mentioned beach activity, and also that he may very well have alcoholic tendencies.
WARNING FIVE: THINKING THIS WILL TURN OUT DIFFERENTLY NEXT TIME
The conclusion is no less troubling. They have this "Aw, isn't this funny and romantic" moment, like it's all gonna work out perfectly this time. Yet, when she walks into the bar, wouldn't her logical response be to think "Dang. It's the old man," followed by "Why is my significant other responding to personal ads?" And shouldn't his response be "Dang. It's the old lady," followed by "Why is my old lady writing personal ads for the world to read?" Wouldn't they throw up their hands in disappointment at not finding someone different on the bar stool and then feel offended that they weren't what the other was looking for?
I can only deduce that neither of these individuals meets the requirement "have half a brain" because if this is really the love that they've looked for, they need to skip the cape and go to a therapist. ASAP.
I'm sorry, Mom. Thanks for teaching me about healthy relationships with the roll of your eyes. I promise not to sing along, anymore. Hum, maybe. But, only hum.
Comments